I saw three crows in conversation,
I saw the trees a'changin'
I saw the clouds cross prairie skies
It sent my heart to achin'

I love the fall
I love the chill
I love October weather

I miss the mountain lines an' lives
I miss the ways and wearin'
Of the roads, the curves, inclines


(this may remain as is or may be added on to... it's an original poem by me and is under copywright)

(becks.. stop laughing ;o) )

At Least 10 Things....

... That I'm Grateful For. (because I'm finding it too easy to be grouchy, despondent, and sorry for myself)

1. It's a rainy Saturday, so at least I'm not spending a lovely day indoors, studying.
2. I'm an aunt to a healthy little boy and a dear friend to his healthy mommy.
3. I'm a pretty decent cook for myself.
4. I've kept my dishes washed today.
5. I have wonderful parents who aren't going to let me starve or become homeless.
6. I live in a very nice apartment complex.
7. I have 2 marvelous horses.
8. I have a picture of sunrise from my front porch in NC for a desktop background.
9. I have good friends who care about me all over the country.
10. Rosie the Riveter and God say "We can do it!" and surely if they say so it must be true.
11. In work experience, I now have had two of the best bosses anyone could possibly ask for (thanks!, Sharon and Ricky).
12. I've never had a math professor I didn't like.
13. Multiples of 5 make me happy.
14. Multiples of 2 make me happy.
15. I get to go home for Thanksgiving!!!! :oD

A Full Week @ Drury

I'm completeing my first full week at Drury today. What a week it's been. Orientation was great, but reality.. in a way it sucks. Don't get me wrong. I'm doing "okay" in my most important classes (Organic Chem 1 and Calc 3), but I never anticipated missing home so much. I didn't really think I'd struggle with feeling inadequate and out of the loop here. At times I feel fat and ugly. Other times so horrendously old and frustrated with the lack of wisdom of my peers. The faculty here is wonderful. I find the student body to not be terribly friendly. They aren't mean, just... self centered? Ironically so if it's the case, because the curriculum here seeks to hammer a global perspective and thinking beyond one's self into us. And perhaps being here is amplifying my own self centeredness. No one here is too terribly concerned about my existence so long as I'm showing up to classes and work and producing what they want (whether that be insightful papers, correct answers, or completed work). But maybe half my problem is being too conserned about my own existence.



I intently dislike this notion that I simply don't fit in here. I feel like have no nitch at all... I mean yeah I'm a nerd and I'm anal retentive about school, but... I guess I haven't found the homeschool subculture here? If there even is one? I do like my new friends, but our paths don't cross as much as we'd all like for them to. (We collected ourselves together during orientation but we're all different majors and I think I'm the only junior among us as far as classes go... unless the magnificent Ezgi has some junior classes.. but she's an accountant so we don't overlap :o(...)

So life is by no means perfect. I have to keep reminding myself that it's a God thing that I'm here. He has a purpose for me here even if I'm not seeing it yet.

Hobey Ho

*wry smile*.... so much to catch up on.. I'm a terrible blogger I know. I'm moving to Springfield in a few weeks. I'm packing like a crazy person, excited about what's ahead, and silently mourning the leaving of my mountains. I think now more than ever I identify with Alexandra Bergson. When I'm in Springfield I know I belong there. I know Drury is where I'm suppose to be. But while I'm still in my mountains... foggy mornings call to my heart and beckon me to stay. I will never grow weary of watching the sun rise over foggy mountain ranges. There is nothing on the earth exactly like the view from my front porch. I may never see it again. No, I'm not being fatalistic (if that's the right word). Mom and Dad are selling and if everything sells before I finish school then I will never comeback to this house or see this land again. Oh sure, someday I'll bring my kids to this valley and this cove and show them the land of their ancestors. But it will never belong to us again. Strangers own my great-grandmother's house in front of us. Time has finally worn the family history of the land out. We move on and start afresh. We cut out a new life for ourselves... for me.. in Missouri. We'll ship the horses. I'll have a whole chance at really starting the ranch. It's strange also.. it never fails. Whenever Dad has finally built quite the accomplishment of a building.. we move. It was my playhouse in Liberty; now it's my barn in NC. His accomplishments grow ;o). He's a good papa. He'll be a great grandpop.

I should blog more often. Somehow I don't find myself journaling this stuff. I don't know why. Maybe it's becoming more my prayer journal/conversations with God, and this is my letting my thoughts wander off and sort out.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." ~ 2 Cor. 4:7-10

I read this Sunday morning at a Starbucks in Springfield, Mo., and for the first time in ages (or perhaps ever) this scripture was beautiful to me. It was more than just encouragement in a bad time. It was a reminder that God really is the big picture, and in some manner I understood for a moment what the apostle Paul ment when he said, "rejoicing always and in every circumstance". We will be pressed, perplexed, persecuted, and struck down. That's just life. But that doesn't change God's love for us. Circumstances don't define His love for us. The fact that we aren't crushed, abandoned or destroyed is what defines His love. We can choose to despair, but we don't have to. We can choose joy in every circumstance. We can't be joyful in our own strength, but then Jesus never asked us to be. We just have to make the choice to allow the Holy Spirit to make us joyful. We have to choose to let go of our "right" to be grouchy or depressed.

It's also a picture of grace. Life has storms, but He will calm His children in the midst of storms if we'll let Him.

"And now let us welcome a new year..."

"...full of things that have never been." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

And so a new year is upon us. There is some amount of uncertainty in my heart, but there is a brightness and newness greater than the uncertainty that has been the past year or two. It is a new year. It is good.

Meanderings

I don't really have anything in particular to say. I just have this obligatory feeling of posting something to balance out my despairing wail, since I've felt neither despairing nor wailing in the last few weeks. I think I'm not letting my struggles get the better of me... or I'm letting apathy keep me from guilt. But I think it's more the former with a small touch of the latter. I'm reading Blue Like Jazz and it's challenging me to be more real. It's been, so far, like Romans 12 from the Message Bible. I keep switching back and forth from living the goodness of God from my own strength, and getting really frustrated, and living the goodness of God from His strength, and wondering what I thought was so difficult about loving others. But... I think I'm learning that, rather than feeling like I keep falling into a muddy ditch and then crawling out again, it's more like dancing. I've kinda got the rhythm, but I keep forgetting to let Him lead. So, while I'm staying on beat for the most part, (to watch me you wouldn't think anything's that off) I don't always take the right step. It's not a sin to not take the perfect right step. God doesn't think me a failure for it by any means. But He does expect me to keep trying. Baby steps, and missteps don't insult Him, but choosing to stay a baby does. He expects growth. But He delights in our growing process, (it seems to me) just as much as in the "final product". We, as humans, tend to get sick of the journey and crave the ending of all travels. But I think the journey may just be His favorite part. *soft smile* I dunno... that's just what's floating around in my head today. I think it's time for me to shove off and get my day started. Loves!